This Christmas....

I feel a nagging... a pulling... an ache within my heart. I find myself in tears a lot the last few days. I just miss my mom so, so much. I just keep thinking about all the things we used to do this time of year. Decorating the tree after Thanksgiving, going Christmas shopping with her, baking cookies, wrapping presents, laughing, talking, being with family, going to Christmas Eve church service... Oh how my heart hurts. It literally hurts. I never knew a hurt like this before I lost my mother. Every year since she's passed it's been hard. Every day is hard, but holidays are even worse. She loved holidays, especially Christmas and Easter. Now that I have my sweet baby girl, they seem to be even harder for some reason. Harder than I even imagined before. I just constantly feel a heaviness in my chest, a sadness in my heart. While I am so excited and happy about it being Griffyn's 1st Christmas and all the fun, new things it has brought (and will bring tomorrow) I can't help but just think that a huge part of my heart is missing... She should be here for this. She should be here to see her grow, to listen to me tell her about all the things she's doing, to give me advice on what to do when I have no clue, to watch her open presents, to read her Christmas books, to bake cookies with her........ everything. She should be here for everything. But she isn't. A lot of days it still doesn't seem real. It doesn't feel like she's really gone and never, ever coming back. But, then when I want to call her or go to see her, it hits me like a slap in the face. She IS gone. She IS never coming back............. My heart hurts, it really really hurts. I just never dreamed my own mother wouldn't be here to watch my children grow up, that she would never get to be a grandma...  Holidays just have a funny way of highlighting who isn't here anymore...
I went to Christmas Eve service tonight with G. As much as I love and appreciate my church family, and as much as I wanted to be there and I enjoyed being there, it hurt and it felt astoundingly lonely. I was glad it was a candle lit service and the lights were off so no one could see the occasional tears that streamed down my face. I was also glad that Griffyn was there with me. For lots of reasons, but also so I had something to distract me a little bit so I didn't feel quite so alone. Looking at everyone sitting there with their families, their loved ones, their parents and grandparents, just made me feel sad. It made the void in my heart seem even bigger than it has before. I also felt feelings of anger, and I hate that. I know I've said that before, and I wish more than anything I didn't feel those feelings. I honestly think those are the hardest to deal with. I just felt a little bit angry that she isn't here, that she can't experience everything, that she can't see Griffyn & watch her grow. I felt angry that so many people take their parents & all they do, for granted, and I'd give anything to have my mother back. I just miss her.... I can't believe we're just a few months away from the 4 year mark. Where has the time gone??? I still can feel her hand in mine when she passed away, I still can hear the way she breathed right before she was gone, I still can see her open her eyes and look at me before she closed them again.... forever. How can it have been almost 4 years? I'm angry with myself because there are things I never told her, things I should have said, things I should have made sure she knew, even though I bet she did. Like how lucky I was to have her as MY mother, how much I loved her, how unbelievably proud I was of her, how much she meant to me, that she was my best friend, that I wished I could've been in her place, taken her pain away... So many things. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could just think of her, of the memories, of everything and have the pain from losing her not completely take my breath away. She was just everything to me, and a huge part of my heart will never be whole again, it won't ever be the same. Nothing and no one can ever take her place.

I hope that you all have had a very Merry Christmas Eve and an incredibly Merry Christmas tomorrow. I am singing in church after we get up and do Christmas with our little family in the morning. After church we are heading over to GB to have Christmas with my family. I'm really looking forward to all of it. I will try to get some pictures up late tomorrow night. We'll see. Griffyn has really seemed to enjoy Christmas so far! :) I hope that her 1st Christmas is everything wonderful for her. lol even though she won't remember it, I know I sure will. I love that sweet girl so much.
This Christmas, and every day, make sure you tell those you love how much you love them and what they mean to your life. You never know how long you'll have the chance to say what you need to. Tomorrow is promised to no one. I love you all and I'm so incredibly thankful and blessed to have each and every one of you. You've all made me who I am and been a huge part of my life, and I thank you for that.
1. I am thankful to God for blessing me with such a wonderfully loving Husband and a beautifully perfect baby girl.
2. I am thankful that I have so many amazing friends and family to fill my life with so much happiness and joy.
3. I am thankful that I got as many years as I did with my beautiful mother. She taught me what true love really means, what it means to love unconditionally and how to be the best I can be. If I can be half the woman she was, I will consider myself incredibly blessed.

Merry Christmas to all of my sweet friends. May you have happiness & joy, lots of love and laughter this holiday season. Remember the Reason for the Season.
Love