It's coming....

Tomorrow will be 4 years..................... FOUR YEARS since my sweet, beautiful, amazing, best-I-could've-ever-asked-for mother passed away........... Just typing those words the tears are already streaming... I got on the computer to blog, because I can't sleep, thinking maybe if I wrote something, anything, down, I could figure out why I am not able to sleep tonight. I went and laid down with Justin when he went to bed about 10:30 and I feel like my mind was just racing, literally racing. I thought it was just because of all the things we have going on right now, and in the near future, but when I pulled up my blog to write, and realized what the date was, I discovered that it has to be because I can't believe it's here already................... How have I survived 4 years without her???? This question I don't know how to answer. I know I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby girl and amazing friends and family, and I know that they have all helped me through this process. Four years. Has it really been that long, already???? It feels like just yesterday. I can still hear the sounds of her last breaths, I can still see the way she looked laying in that bed, the look in her eyes when she opened them one last time...... I can't believe my mother, MY mother, is gone. I would give anything to have her back. My heart hurts so much just thinking about everything that happened, everything she had to go through... I can't believe all that she's missed, not only with me, but with my little brother, too. Maybe that's part of it too... He was supposed to come stay with us on Saturday for a week, like he always does for Spring break, and he txt me tonight to say he couldn't come because he got in trouble at school and his dad's punishment was that he couldn't come...... it's heartbreaking, and extremely disappointing......  When is this immense amount of hurt going to go away???? When am I going to be able to think about her and not be brought to tears, and lots of them. I miss her... more than I could ever say, I miss her. I never knew what I would do without her, and I still don't. A lot of times i just feel lost. I can't believe she's not there for me to visit, or call every day several times a day, to tell everything to, to help her out when she needed it, I just can't believe, even 4 years later, that she just isn't there anymore. I feel her allll the time around me though. Just when I need it, whether I realize I need it or not, I feel her. I smell her, a song will remind me of her, I can hear her whisper to me. All of these things are always such a comfort. I just wish she was here... I wish more than anything she was still here. There was so much more for her to be here for!! It isn't fair..... but, I know that everything happens for a reason, God needed her more......

Mom,
I love you more than you probably knew. You were my best friend, the one I told everything to. I didn't and still don't know what I would do without you. I just try to do my best. You were the strongest person I've ever known. An amazing mother, person and friend. I'm so blessed to be able to call you mine. I hope that I can be half the person & mother you were. Thank you for all that you taught me, all that you showed me, all that you made me realize, all that you were, all that you still are to me. Thank you for being there, even now, when I needed and need you most... I still feel you, all around me, I feel you. Continue to stay close. I need you. I'll always need you. I wish we could've had more time.... but I am so very thankful for all the time and wonderful memories we did have. I just wish I could see your smile, hear your laugh, feel your hug, hear "I love you"... one more time....  I tell Griffyn about you all the time. I tell her things you liked, what you would say, what an amazing Grandma you would've been.... I love you so much. I hope you know how much I love you now and always have. I hope you felt that while you were here and still feel it now. Please hold me extra close these next few days.... I'm gonna need it. Be with DJ, I know he misses you so much. I hope that he can feel you with him always, too. I can't wait to see you again... Until that day comes, just be with us like you have been. I am so thankful for being able to feel you always. I love you....... I miss you....... so much my heart literally aches...
If roses grow in heaven,
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
but there's an ache within my heart,
that will never go away.

So, I guess if I don't seem like myself in the next few days or a week or anytime in the near future, just be patient with me. My heart is just hurting..... I just..... miss her.....