I am so sad tonight. In fact, sad doesn't even seem to be close to the right word for how I feel. Heartbroken maybe. I just feel everything all over again.... I feel the tightening in my chest, the sinking feeling, the feeling of my heart literally hurting.... The closer it gets to my due date the worse it gets... I just wish she was here... I'm angry. I'm angry that she's not here, that she can't be. I hate this place. This place I go to when I feel this way. This feeling of such incredibly deep sadness....
I went to a funeral today for my husband's great aunt. My best friend sang Wind Beneath My Wings. I was in tears by the first 3 words... I'm still not sure how I ever made it through that song when I sang it at my mother's funeral. I'm sure that's where a lot of the feelings being so strong tonight have come from. I was also over at her house this evening after we went for a walk and her and her mom & I were discussing childbirth and a bunch of different things. It just made me sad that I don't have my mom to discuss things with. To find out all the details only she would know, about what she went through when she had me. Just seeing Tara & her mom interact & laugh and just chatter, made me miss all the those times I had with my mom too... It's just not fair. What I hate the most about how I feel right now, is that I feel so angry. This is like one of the only times I've felt anger, such strong anger, about this. I don't know where it's coming from all the sudden. I'm not mad at her, I'm not mad at God, I'm just mad that I don't have MY mother here with me. I just hate that I feel this way. I don't like it. I don't think the words "it's not fair" have ever come out of my mouth since she passed... But it's all I can think of now. It's the only thing that keeps consuming my mind.
As I sit here, tears pouring down my face, I keep thinking about how I haven't had a good cry in a long while, especially about my mom's death. Sure, things remind me of her and a few tears might be shed as I whisper to her "I miss you so much....", but I haven't out & out cried, bawled, shook because of crying so hard, wanted to just go crawl in my bed, hug my pillow and not get up for days... like I feel now. I just miss her so much & it's just not fair. It's not fair that I won't have her to call in the middle of the night when I've run out of options on how to get my daughter to stop crying. It's not fair that I won't get to share with her all the milestones that she reaches. It's not fair that my daughter won't ever get to hug her, feel the unconditional love that she always showed me. It's not fair that my mother won't ever get to be called Grandma.
I debated about even writing this. But Justin isn't home tonight because he's working, so I just sat in my car for awhile after coming home from Tara's and I just cried. Then I came in the house and I cried even more. I decided that I needed to write something, anything down. Maybe it would help me feel at least a little bit better. I'm not sure that it has, but it is what it is.
Do me a favor, those of you that do read this, hug your mom's a little tighter tonight/tomorrow/the next time you see them, just for me. Be thankful you have her. Be thankful you can call her and ask/talk about anything. Be thankful FOR her. It's so easy to take the people we love & care about the most, for granted. They won't always be here. I know my mom knew and still knows how much I love & loved her. And even now, I just have to mention, she's wrapping her arms around me, hugging my heart & telling me it's ok. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to miss her, and it's gonna BE ok. I'm listening to the country music channel while I'm writing this. Just as I was typing these words a few sentences ago, the song "The House That Built Me" came on & is playing now... Ever since I heard this song, It's always made me think of her. Call it silly or whatever, but I always, always, always take these little things as "signs" that she's there. Just when I need to be reminded that she still has her loving arms wrapped around me, she does just that...
I miss you Momma. More than anyone could ever know... You were my best friend & even 3 years later I still feel lost and don't know what to do without you. I always said that would be the case & I wasn't wrong. Thank you for all you did for me, for all you taught me & for being the most incredible, loving person, mother & friend. You were the best. God only takes the best.... I love you. <3
