I'm gonna smile...

I have typed up this blog many times, and then erased it. I just being "that" person that writes about negative stuff.... even if it is only every once in awhile, I still hate it. Bear with me. I'm going to just type and see where this ends up. Good, bad, ugly... I'm gonna keep it this time. Who knows, maybe it won't end up as bad as I thought.

I'm just gonna be brutally honest, even if it makes me sound horrible.... One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is why I have been the way that I've been. In the sense that, until I decided to start losing weight, I was obviously in denial about how BIG I actually was. Most people, when they compare themselves to others, they think, "that person is SO much smaller than me..." when in reality, you are probably the same size or smaller than them. I felt the opposite way. When I would see some overweight people, I would think, "well, it can't be that bad, I know I'm not that big..." but in reality, I probably was, or bigger. I know that different people carry weight differently, but when I hear people talk about their "numbers" or see how big someone is, sometimes I honestly have myself convinced that I'm NOT as big as they are, or I am in disbelief that my numbers were just as high (or higher!) and I didn't FEEL like I looked as big as they do... I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just being honest. I was watching a show on MTV last night while trying to go to sleep. It was called "I used to be fat". The girl that was on there, was big. She looked like she was probably close to 300 lbs, at least I thought. Then she stepped on the scale, and it said 236 lbs!!!!! I literally went WHAT?!? No flippin' way! I just kept thinking did I REALLY look like THAT?!? It's not that I'm trying to be mean about it, it's more that I realize more and more how obviously in denial I was about how big I was! It makes me sad......... I mean, in a way, it makes me glad that I've worked so hard to get to where I am at, and knowing that I am working still towards my ultimate goal, but it makes me sad that I spent so much time that heavy... I guess I could be glad that I at least felt ok enough about myself, since I didn't think I was as big as I obviously was, or you could just say I was in denial and that's it. I'm not sure... but even just thinking about it now, just makes me sad.... I guess a lot of the sadness may be from the "excuses" about why I made it ok for me to gain weight. Yes, there were crappy things that happened to me, but crappy things happen to a lot of people, who don't end up like I did. *sigh* At this point, I have to constantly remind myself to stay positive, to focus on how I look NOW and how I am going to look, rather than how I did look and for so long. I look back on pics, even from just a year ago, and I go... wow...... I can't believe I let myself look like that. At the time, I didn't feel like I looked as big as I feel like I looked now... if that makes sense. Again denial. In a way, I'm thankful that NO ONE in my life made me feel bad about myself, when I was soooo overweight, but maybe that's what it would've taken to make me think about it, to slap me in the face with a reality check. Then again, the scale did that for me. I hadn't checked my weight in MONTHS when I finally stepped on the scale last July, it read 249 lbs...... I cried. I could NOT believe I had done that to myself. I vowed to do something about it right then. Even though I felt "ok" with my body at that point, I was NOT ok with that number. So, I worked for the next couple of months and got close to 25 lbs off before I got pregnant. Then it creeped up again.... BUT, I am down even lower than where I started before I got pregnant (by 20 lbs!) so, I will take it! I still feel like I look ok. I'm not "satisfied" with where I'm at, by any means, but I'm not disgusted either. I know that if/when I get the chance to go shopping for some clothes (that actually fit!) it will probably make me feel even better. It's definitely been a lot slower of a process than I expected it to be, but if I'm completely honest, I know I also haven't worked as hard as I could, either. I'm nervous about the winter coming up and not being able to do the things I've been doing, outside. The pool in Sterling just opened up for public swim though, so I will probably be checking that out when it does get too cold. Part of me hasn't been as diligent about working out because I feel like, even though the number is going down, I don't feel or look smaller than I was when the number was lbs higher. I've said it before too, but I also feel like, especially with people who haven't seen me in awhile, that they don't see a difference. I feel like some people look at me like "WHERE did you lose 66 lbs??" I know I shouldn't worry about that, but as everyone knows, it's a lot easier to do something (especially something like weightloss) when you feel like people support you, believe you can do it, and notice when there is a difference. But, I know I'm guilty of it too, I can remember about 2-3 weeks after having Griffyn, I could barely sqqueeezzzeee into my pre-pregnancy jeans, now they fall off, even fresh out of the dryer after being washed when they are supposed to be tighter, lol. So I can tell a difference in there, because I remember, not necessarily because I actually do SEE it. Ugh. I hate being such a Debbie Downer.... I know it'll get there... Just takes time...

I have also been frustrated with the feelings that some people doubt that our journey towards AD is actually happening. Part of me has to tell myself  "they aren't military, they don't know how jacked up things really are", but I just feel like sometimes when I talk to people about our situation, and how long it's taken, and how long it's STILL taking, that they look at me or have a tone in talking that says to me "yeah right, I'll believe it when I see it." That's sad. It's sad to me that there are people who don't support us, who actually don't believe that what is happening IS happening. We are going on active duty. Has it taken a LOT longer than we expected it to? Absolutely. Does that mean it's not ever going to happen? No. We have done everything that WE personally can do, it's not our fault that certain people haven't done their jobs, or that they have taken much longer than it should've. I shouldn't have to explain myself, but in a way, I feel like I do have to. It really hurts my feelings when I feel like people think we are lying about this process, or not necessarily that, but that they think we are living in a fantasy land in thinking that we are actually going to make this happen. To all the nay sayers... We WILL make it happen. Just you wait and see.......... To all the people who have done nothing but share in our frustration, be happy for what we have accomplished, prayed for this to happen sooner rather than later, believed in us, supported us, etc.... from the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU. Thank you for all the support, all the positive vibes, all the prayers, everything. We really do appreciate it. On that note, no, we still don't have an update. AJ just got back today so hopefully he will be able to check on it for us this week or next, so we know what the status is. He also isn't going to be able to come home in Dec. :( That's sad! At least my bestie will be here with me for a couple more months than we thought though! :) We are hoping that Justin will be going to MOS school by the first of the year, that way we are moving in March/April, when it's not the middle of WINTER! lol That would be nice. Plus, gives us so much more time with our families! Not gonna lie, for a little while, I was sweating whether we were going to get to be here for the holidays or not! I am really looking forward to those. :)

Well, Justin talked me out of the "surprise" trip for him, today. Haha we are gonna go next weekend (the 29th) and I'm taking him to the KSU/OU game! :) It's going to be wonderful! It's the only KSU football game we're gonna get to go to, and I knew he was bummed about thinking we weren't going to be able to make any of them this year. It worked out that we can go then, and Griffyn will get to experience LIVE "boys in tight pants" lol since she watches them so intently on TV! :) I can't wait. Mainly because I can't wait to be back in MANHATTAN, even if it just for the day. He's super psyched and was surprised, so I guess that's good, even though I told him early, he was still surprised. :) So, that's what we are looking forward to!

In other news, STILL haven't figured out Griffyn's Halloween costume! I know I know, it's not like it's JUST around the corner or anything! :) Hopefully we'll find something soon. The most exciting news yet? I have a friend that is going to announce something VERY exciting tomorrow!!! :) TOMORROW! Oh I am so excited you have no idea! I think I'm more excited than she is, lol!! Ok, I know that's not true, but pretty dang close! :) I so can't wait!! :) EEEK!!! lol!! I have been DYING to spill the news, but I have kept my mouth S-H-U-T! :) hehehehehehehehehehehe can't wait! :)

I hope you all have enjoyed your week, and the nice cooooooool fall weather we are getting now! (YAY!) I know I sure have! The week is officially half over now! :)
1. I am thankful to be surrounded with so many wonderful friends and family.
2. I am thankful that my husband can always make me feel better about any situation.
3. I am thankful for the emense amount of joy I feel when I hold my baby girl and when she looks at me and smiles such a big, beautiful smile. NOTHING in this world feels as good as that does. I love being her Mommy.
Love