Hurt

My grandma passed away today, a little before 6am. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. Lots of emotions. We were not on good terms and I hate that. I just felt like I needed to get some of it out, so I'm writing here. I'm not going to go into too much detail, since it is the world wide web, after all, but I feel like this is my blog and I can and should write how I feel, so I guess I'll try to do that. She never got to meet my daughter, by her own choice. She was very stubborn (probably where I get some of tendencies to be stubborn as well) and she expected people to do what she wanted, when she wanted and if you didn't, she let you know. When I was little we were close, super close. But, things happened over the years and a certain person in our family became her #1 priority, to the point that literally no one else mattered. Literally. It was almost like she forgot that she had the rest of the family she had. This person has been in and out of trouble and for that reason she just felt like he needed more love and attention than anyone else, and everyone knew it. SHE let everyone know, blatantly that other people were on the back burner, and always would be. For reasons I choose not to discuss, I didn't want my daughter to be around him and she had a HUGE issue with this. To the point that it meant her and I could no longer have a relationship because of that, for whatever reason. *sigh* I'm just sad and angry and disappointed and frustrated that she chose to sever ties with me, that she chose to never meet my daughter, that she chose to be hateful and hurtful to me and others for that matter..... and now she's gone.... Ugh. I just don't know what to say... I feel really bad, for my dad. He didn't deserve to be treated the way that she treated him a lot of the time. I feel bad that he no longer has either one of his parents. I feel bad that he tried so hard to be everything she needed him to be, yet it wasn't enough. I wonder all of the time if I should've done things differently, if anything I did could've changed the outcome of this whole ordeal, and the answer is yes, I could've done things differently to have a different outcome, however, I don't feel like, in doing that, I would've been doing what was best for my daughter, and for that I can't regret my decisions. I would've had to continue to be a doormat, to do what she wanted, when she wanted it, without taking anyone else's feelings into account. It just makes my heart hurt to know we weren't important enough to her. It breaks my heart that she couldn't have met her ONLY great grandchild. It breaks my heart that she left so many people hurting because of things done and words said... I dunno... I suppose I'm dwelling on it too much, maybe. It hurt today to sit in her house and hear people talk about how much she was fond of certain people, friends, that she had, but yet she made members of her own family feel so alone, so unimportant. It was hard to look at pictures on the wall, pictures of when the rest of us DID matter, before certain events happened to change that.
Ugh... anyway... I guess I don't really know what else to say. My heart just hurts and it's very heavy tonight. I just really wish things could've been different. I feel like I really tried, like I gave it my best shot, but maybe I should've tried harder, I don't know. I guess that's all. Please pray for my dad, I know he's a tough ol' bird, but I think he's taking it harder than he lets on, in fact, I know he is. I know from talking to him on the way home tonight that he feels a lot of the things I feel, just sad that they didn't turn out different... but what can you do now?? Anyway, thanks for all the thoughts/prayers/love you guys have shown... We really appreciate it.
Love