Nervous

...................Tomorrow. I'm nervous. Not nervous to sing in front of people, necessarily, but nervous about 2 of the 3 songs I'm doing. I'm nervous about them because 1 of them, "Anyway" was played at my own mother's funeral. She had asked for it to be played and it was perfect for her. It IS her. That's exactly the kind of person she was. Didn't matter what happened or how people treated her, she did things "anyway". *sigh* I have a hard time listening to it without crying, let alone singing it. It just brings FLOODS of memories to my head. It makes my heart swell with pride for her and the person that she was, it makes my heart hurt because she's not here anymore. She was my best friend. The one I could tell ANYTHING to, and no matter what I said, thought or did, she loved me "anyway". I love, love, love that song. And when I was asked to sing at this benefit for Jenny, that song was laid heavily on my heart. I knew from the very beginning I was going to do it. I just hope I can make it through it without embarrassing myself and looking like a blubbering idiot........... I've done it at karaoke a few times, but it's easier then because you have the words on the screen to focus on. I'm gonna have an entire audience to focus on, at an event for someone else who is no longer with us, and people are going to be sad. I just think it's perfect for this event, because so many people are working so hard to bring justice for this girl, no matter what obstacles have been put in their way, they are doing it "anyway", and from the sounds of it, it's the kind of person Jenny was too. It's gonna be hard. But, I'm gonna do my best and hope it's good enough. The other song that may present a problem is "Sissy's Song". Every since this song came out, it's reminded me of my own mother as well. The lyrics couldn't be more spot on if they tried. I know that every single day, when I'm sad and missing her and wishing she was here and wishing she didn't have to go through all of the things she went through, she's telling me "don't worry 'bout me". Even just typing that right now, tears are starting to fall. I just miss her so, so much. It's a hurt that won't ever go away. People that say it gets "easier" with time, are wrong. Time only changes things, makes you better aware of how to deal with situations, it doesn't make missing someone you love easier. It never will be easy. She has a big part of my heart that can't ever be filled by anyone or anything else. I just wish she was here. I wish she was here to be a part of everything going on now. I wish she was here for me to pick up the phone and call about anything or nothing.... *sigh* So yeah, I'm nervous. I hope more than anything that things go well. Jenny deserves the best, and I hope I can at least be decent tomorrow.
So, if you are going to bless us with your presence tomorrow (and I REALLY hope you are) please, please, plleeeasseee don't mention this post, or my mother, or anything that will make me sad, at least before I sing. lol I'll have a hard enough time on my own! :) I hope you all will be there. It really is such a great cause. I know they will find out who did this. I pray that they do, and soon, so the family can have at least a very small amount of closure and this person pays for the awful thing they did.
Well, I'm off to rehearse a few more times before bed at least. I can't wait 'til tomorrow. I'm really excited about this whole event. If you are reading this, and wouldn't mind, please say an extra prayer for me that I remember all the words, and that I don't make a fool of myself! :) Thank you much! haha
Love