I have, as of this morning, lost 57 pounds. FIFTYSEVENPOUNDS. Wow. It seems way more amazing when I say it, than it actually feels. If you can believe that. I mean, don't get me wrong, it feels awesome to be down that many pounds. I can tell a huge difference in my body and how I feel physically and emotionally. I can see pictures from last summer and I can tell there is a difference. But, SAYING 57 pounds SOUNDS more impressive than it actually "looks" I guess.... I dunno... Sometimes I feel like, especially to people I haven't seen in a long time, that read my status updates about losing so much weight and then they see me, sometimes I feel like they are thinking "You don't LOOK like you've lost that much weight." Maybe it's just me being my biggest critic, I'm sure that's probably it, because to be honest, I look in the mirror MYSELF and sometimes say that. WHERE have you lost 57 pounds?? I feel like some people think my weight loss isn't validated because (give or take) 44lbs of it was pregnancy weight. Sometimes I even feel that way. Like it was just "fake" weight. That it REALLY wasn't there, not there in enough of a sense to "count"... Do you get what I'm saying?? I dunno, maybe I'm not making sense. Other times I think, there's tons of people out there who never lose their baby weight, or take years to get it off, and I did it in 2.5 months. That's another thing that makes me think maybe it wasn't real enough to count. What makes me so special that I DID lose it, and so quickly? Sure a lot of it was obviously water weight, but I'm sure that 44lbs of it was NOT water weight. I didn't start swelling until about 32 weeks and I had gained most of my weight by then, I would say easily 35 of that 44 anyway. So, the opposition of the voices in my head tell me that I DO have something to be proud of by losing that weight. I dunno.... I guess it's safe to say I'm on the fence about it.
Before I got pregnant, (I got pregnant in September) in June, I started biking, and biking and biking. I was easily doing 10-15 miles a day on my bike. I also wrote down EVERY single thing I put into my mouth and I also did the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred video. When I decided then to start losing weight, I weighed 249 lbs. At my first doctors appt in Sept. (somewhere in the middle, not really sure) I weighed about an average of 225 lbs. So I had lost a lot of weight before I got pregnant too. Especially in just over 3 months. Needless to say, it was hard to accept gaining weight, even though I KNEW it was for an amazing reason, it didn't make it any easier to see that number on the scale increase every time I went to the doctor. In fact, a lot of times I was in tears after the nurse left the room she got me settled into while I waited on the doctor. I suppose you could say I had 9 months to psych myself up for losing weight. Getting REALLY serious about it, more serious than I ever had been before. But, anyway, so I guess if you take all my pregnancy weight out of the mix, and start where I was at before I got pregnant, I've only lost 11 lbs. That's a little bit more how I "FEEL" about my loss, that it's really not that impressive. Am I making any sense? I dunno......... I guess this is something I've just been struggling with. I suppose ultimately it doesn't matter what that number is, the number lost, it matters more how I feel, and how my body is changing.
I can tell you that I am so thankful that I can walk up a flight of stairs, or go on a walk or a bike ride, or do ANYTHING that requires any amount of effort, without feeling like I'm going to die. Without my heart racing, without being completely out of breath to where I feel like I'm going to pass out. I really noticed that at the Chiefs game on Friday. They have these "floors" I guess, for lack of a better way of describing them, instead of walking up a flight of stairs (or several) you just walk around and around and around and it spirals upwards until you are on your "level" of where your seats are. I walked those several times while we went to our seats, back down to look at the hall of fame, back up to our seats and then when we left, and never ONCE was out of breath. I noticed it and even mentioned it to Justin, that it felt great to be able to do something so simple and not feel like I'm dying! I have also noticed that I don't feel like my air is being cut off when I lay down in bed. between having so much extra skin (also known as having multiple CHINS!! lol) and my boobs pushing everything up towards my throat on top of that, it's so much less now that I don't even notice it, I can breathe! It's these little things that people take for granted, but when you're overweight, it just makes you feel even crappier about yourself.
The biggest struggle I have right now is, trying to keep myself from looking at all I HAVEN'T lost when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if THAT aspect is ever going to get better. If I'm ever going to be able to look in the mirror and think I look good, be completely proud of myself instead of telling myself "that's great, but what about this and this and this...." *sigh* I suppose it's going to be a struggle for a long time. Maybe forever. I'm just being honest. I try really hard to be "positive" to be "determined" to be "proud" of how far I've come, and I am all of these things, and I WILL CONTINUE TO BE ALL OF THESE THINGS, but I just also wanted to be honest about how I feel sometimes too.
I should've done it all along, but, I took pics of myself the first day I went out to run, and I haven't taken any pics since then. I was thinking about either taking some now, or waiting until I reach "60" down and then taking some, and then after that taking some like every 2 weeks or every month, I'm not sure, just to see a difference. I know I did this while I was pregnant, took pics every week and even though I couldn't see a difference (since I saw myself every day) looking at the pics even week to week I was amazed at how much had changed. So maybe I will do this too. I dunno about it yet, I'm gonna think about it a little more. I just don't want to get discouraged, you know, if I don't see "enough" of a difference.
Wow... I've covered a lot... I think I'm gonna get back into doing the 30 day shred, too. If you haven't done it, it's a real butt kicker!! I know it made a difference. Maybe that will help me "change things up" enough to not plateau so often. I have to say though, I just "felt" like I had probably lost at least some weight, this morning when I got up. I knew I hadn't weighed in several days, in fact I can't remember when the last time was. So I checked our scale and it actually showed about 216, and that was a HUGE change from what it usually shows, (remember me mentioning before that I swear it was stuck on 220, no matter what day or what time of day or what I did, it didn't ever seem to move) so I figured I must've actually lost something for THAT to move! So I went over to my in-laws (they put new batteries in the scale yesterday!) and sure enough!!! It read exactly 214.0 today! My last weigh in on it was 216.4! :) That was exciting to see. Not gonna lie. 4 lbs to go until I'm at goal #1. FOUR POUNDS! I just kept thinking that losing that by the fair should be "fairly" (hahahaha!) easy now!! *sigh* I've got my eye on the prize. I'm in it to win it!!! This IS going to happen for me. I WILL get to my goal.
P.s. I still haven't decided what my "goal" jeans size is and what size of jeans I'm going to buy to keep me motivated. Maybe I'll decide on that once I see the "199" (or less!) on the scale! :)
I suppose that's gonna be about it for the evening. G slept until 12:30 today. :) I could get used to this!! We got up and around and when she went down for a nap this afternoon I went through her closet. I finally had to put away some (but not all!) of her newborn outfits and jammies. It made me sad, not gonna lie! I can't believe how big she's getting! But, I also discovered a bunch of new stuff she can wear (or at least is pretty close to wearing) now! So that's exciting. We hung out for the afternoon and then Justin got up and hung out with us for awhile before work. I went on a bike ride with my SIL tonight and just got home and got G in bed when I started writing this. It was a great day, especially for a Monday!! :) I hope you all had a wonderful Monday as well!! :)
1. I'm thankful for being down 2 more pounds today!! FIFTYSEVEN! So close to 60 I can taste it!
2. I am happy about the little bit cooler weather we had today!
3. I am blessed to have my husband and our baby girl. He always knows just what to say to make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
Love
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