If you are missing someone who has gone to see God & your heart hurts, that hurt is your someone hugging your heart so tight so that you never forget them.

I am having kind of a down night. I'm allowed those occasionally right? *sigh*....  I went to Hoisington today to sing for the babies/toddlers pageant. It was sooooo cute. Lots of beautiful kids. It went pretty well, the singing part. I sang "Anyway" and then a couple duets with other people (obviously). I saw a couple of people that used to work with my mom, it was nice to chat with them again. My parents watched G, I know they enjoyed getting to spend time with her. :) I got to hang out with them for a couple hours afterwards. G was wearing her KSU cheer outfit today! It's still big on her, but we couldn't not wear it for the first game!

We left in the early afternoon to make it home in time to see Justin before he went to work. After he left we went to Sterling with my SIL Heidi, my FIL and my nephew Preston. They fished, I watched and took pics. :)

After that I came home and gave G a bottle and put her to bed... in her bed.... in her room.... for the first time. I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm not really sure why, but I am. I have her snuza monitor on her though. I don't think I'll sleep very well tonight, but we'll see. She passed right out, so doesn't seem to bother her.... just mama. For those of you wondering, up until now she has slept in the bassinet of her pack n play next to my side of the bed. Wish us luck! (Ok, me) 

Laying in her bed this afternoon before she took a nap

So, I sang Anyway today, which was played at my mother's funeral. While I was at my parents house, we got to talking about my mom passing away and the events surrounding all of that, we talked about Justin's mom passing away and my step mom's mom passing away. Emotional overload. I cried... a lot and my step mom hugged me, a lot. <3 (Love her...) So then I came home and as I was changing G, I saw the "mommy & me" bracelets a friend had made for us and given to me at my baby shower, so I put mine on and hers on her. 

Mine has mine, Justin & her birthstones. Her's has 3 of her birthstones. :)

Seeing it on her, taking this picture, just thinking about the fact that I actually have a DAUGHTER, made me tear up. I couldn't ever imagine being as blessed as I have been. I feel so lucky to be her mommy. I also just started thinking about my mom again, and all that she is missing..... Everytime Griffyn smiles or laughs or does something new or has a cute outfit on, I want to tell her, show her. But I can't. Yes I know she can see it, yes I know she already knows, but it's not even close to the same, and honestly, knowing all of that does NOT make me feel any better. It's like when I wrote on FB recently about people saying "He/she is in a better place" or "I know exactly how you feel" to you when you lose someone. Just don't. It just makes me angry to hear things like that, even if people aren't saying them to me. While I do know, yes, that my mother IS in a better place, it doesn't make it ANY easier to be here without her. And even if you have lost your own mother, or anyone close to you, all you can "know" is how YOU feel, not how someone else feels. *Sigh* I feel like I sound bitter.... maybe I am. It's just not fair. It's not fair that someone so wonderful, someone who was such a good person, someone who had so much more in life to experience, to see,  to be a part of.... is gone. All I want to do is cry..... My heart just hurts so bad... It's been 3 and a half years, and it still doesn't sting any less. I feel myself not being able to catch my breath, like someone is literally squeezing my heart... It just hurts. I can't believe that this is real, that I really have to live my life without her. Without her ever seeing me get married, seeing me become a mother, seeing my brother go to middle school, graduate from HS, get married, have his own kids..... It's not fair. But, God needed her more. He only takes the best. I would just give anything to hear her voice one more time, see her smile one more time, get a hug one more time, hear I love you one.more.time.... I miss her so much................. I hate how this makes me feel. I just wish more than anything that my mother and Justin's mother, could've been grandmother's, too. Griffyn sure is lucky to have so many people who love her, to have a grandma who is here and does love her to pieces and a nana who feels the same way, and don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my step mom and Justin's step mom. I just wish my mom could be here.... I try to live my life everyday being a person that she would be proud of. Being a wife and a mother that she would be proud of. I hope that I am doing that. 

I never knew a love like the love a mother has for her child. I am so thankful to have G. She is everything to me. I love her more than I ever even thought was possible. I try so hard not to take one single thing for granted with her. She is growing way too fast. I love seeing her smile and giggle and all the things she's learning already. I love watching her just explore on her own, watching her take in the world around her. Amazing. That is what she is. Simply amazing. It still feels so surreal that I have a daughter, that I am a mother. It all just seems way too good to be true, this life I live. I thank God for my husband, he really is a wonderful man. I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect for me than him. He's my biggest supporter, my shoulder to lean on (and there's been a lot of leaning over the years!), my best friend, just everything. I don't know what I ever did without him. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. 

Well, I'm gonna go take a bath and relax and try to make myself feel better. I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend.

1. I'm thankful for my sweet baby girl who has made my life even better than it already was.

2. I am thankful for my husband who holds my hand, wipes my tears, tells me everything is going to be ok, in a way that makes me always believe him.

3. I am looking forward to going to church in the morning. God is good all of the time, all of the time God is good.

LOVE