... but I feel pretty crazy anxiety whenever I'm away from G. As crazy as it's going to sound, even when it's just someone else holding her in the same room I'm in. *Sigh* Idk if it's because we spend the whole day together or just because she's my sweet baby girl and other people feel this way too, but I'm extremely attached to her. I find myself having to say to myself "it's ok if this person or that person holds her/feeds her/plays with her/changes her" etc. I dunno if other people feel this way or not, but I just find myself thinking of her constantly. I hate having to leave her with other people, not because I don't trust others (ok, don't get me wrong there are plenty of people I'd never leave her with) but just because I ENJOY being with her, it's all that I know now! I just keep reminding myself it's ok for other people to love her and love ON her, that it's not only healthy for me, but for her too, to get used to being around other people. But I just can't help it. I put on a brave face when I have to leave her, even if it's just for an hour at her nana and pawpa's while I go bike ride or run, but in reality I'm sooooo wishing that there was a way I could take her with me..... everywhere!! Like I said, I find myself almost forcing myself to do it because I know she needs that and I know other people enjoy her, too. I find myself missing her now, even though she is just in her room asleep in her bed. The majority of me wants to go pick her up and snuggle with her, she'll only be this little once! But, the rest of me says don't do it. Even when I wake up for her 4-5am feeding and I feed her in our bed, I always try to cuddle with her and let her go back to sleep with me (for selfish reasons) and she's always so restless now and I end up taking her back to her room and she's asleep, perfectly still as soon as I lay her down... :( It makes me sad in a way, and proud in another. I'm proud of her for being such a "big girl" and sleeping on her own so perfectly.... but I'm sad because she's such a "big girl" and I don't get my snuggles anymore like I used to at night.... Even just typing that out makes me tear up... I feel like I'm constantly telling whoever is holding her "when you are done or when you get tired of holding her I'll take her back" or "if you don't want to hold her just say so" because the last thing I want to do is make someone feel like I'm "pawning her off" on them. I'm not. I'm just trying (even though it's hard for me!) to let other people have time with her too, and let her have time with others as well, but I almost feel guilty for some reason too... I dunno.... it's strange, (I'm sure) and hard to understand, but I just feel like she is MY child, I should be the one with her all the time, doing everything for her, etc.... I'm not even sure if this makes any sense, but it's been on my mind... CONSTANTLY, so I just felt like at least writing out my thoughts. Bottom line is, I love my baby girl more than anything in the world, I hope people don't feel like I'm "pawning her off" because that's the last thing I want to do, and I'm working really hard to "reassure" myself that it's ok for others to keep her, to hold her, to feed her, to change her, to play with her, to LOVE her.... and that just because I let this happen doesn't mean I love her any less. That's hard!!!!! *sigh* I just hope she knows and feels how much I love her and want her with me every second, but that she also understands she needs interaction with other people too......................... I just feel really guilty when any of this happens and I'm honestly not sure why. Only thing I can think of is I just feel like I should be doing everything for her, even though the RATIONAL side of me knows it's ok for others to as well. I dunno what the deal is...... I wonder if it will ever be easier... I sincerely don't think it will!! I just love her so much!!! :)
Well, today I went to church with my SIL Heidi & G, I sang my song, which I think went pretty ok, and enjoyed the rest of the service. Then we came home and took a couple hour nap. After Griffyn woke up, her and I went over to my in-laws and Heidi, my FIL and my GIL (grandpa-in-law!) :) were over there and we grilled some burgers and brats and watched the Chiefs game. :) Justin came by later and ate, hung out and then went to work for the night. :( This evening Heidi, G & I went over to Tara's to make "Welcome Home" signs for her hubby Aj. He comes home THIS WEEK! It's crazy that the time is here already! I'm so happy and excited for them! :) Came home and put G to bed now I'm just chillin' and writing on here. I will probably head to bed soon myself. I'm sleepy and have a big day planned tomorrow! :) :)
I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. I know I sure did, just wish the hubs would've been off, but I'm looking forward to him having the next 2 days off. :) Happy Monday tomorrow!! Make a great day!
1. I am thankful I have so many wonderful people in my life.
2. I am thankful that there are so many others who WANT to love my daughter and spend time with her!
3. I am thankful for such a great Sunday service today and that Heidi went with me!!! :)
Love
Punk, I hope you remember what you wrote years from now. Because that is why whenever I went anywhere, I had you with me too. That too is why everyone that I knew, knew you too. For me, that was cool. Cause I knew that if you ever had a problem and I wasn't around and these other friends of mine were, you knew them and would be safe and they would help you if needed.
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